By KBC Associate 
Why do so many of us feel disconnected from desire, even when we deeply crave connection?
In Episode 1 of the Virgin Island show on Channel 4, we took an exciting first step toward understanding desire. As each member of the group began to explore showing desire and uncovering their fantasies, blocks to desire started to arise – including shame, awkwardness, and the fear of rejection.
But we also witnessed people courageously confronting their deepest fears around intimacy and desire. And it mirrored what we see every day in our coaching work.
Rooting Out the Deeper Reasons You May Struggle With Desire
Much of our experiences around love, intimacy, and our bodies are shaped by societal norms, personal history, and cultural expectations. So it’s no surprise that desire becomes something confusing and often hidden. In addition, trying to connect with others can bring up feelings of awkwardness and self-doubt. We start to question if we are truly desirable ourselves.
At the Somatica Institute, we’ve spent years helping people rediscover their turn-ons and rewire their relationships with intimacy. Lately, we’ve heard more people asking the same thing: What’s blocking my desire? And – how do I get it back?
After working closely with people exploring their first experiences with intimacy (both on-screen and off), we’ve identified some of the most common roadblocks. These blocks to desire must be rooted out in order to feel the fulfillment that intimacy and pleasure can give us. So, let’s take a deeper look.
Is Shame Quietly Killing Your Sexual Confidence?
As we follow the virgins on their journey around desire, shame comes up all over the place.
They feel shameful because of their inexperience and are uncomfortable or uninformed. And they think they don’t know much about sex at all and have never even explored what they really want for themselves sexually. They perceive themselves as different from those around them because they are still virgins. And it makes them feel “less than” or “behind” compared to others, wanting to make them hide.
Some of them also are uncomfortable around what they actually want – versus what they think we’re supposed to want. The confusing messages about sexuality, pleasure, and what is “normal” can create deep-seated anxiety that suppresses desire.
In Episode 1 we began the process of deshamifying. We started to help them unravel the layers of shame that prevent them from knowing what they want and being able to show desire in a more overt and honest way. Like beautiful flowers in the dark, we started to shine a light on their desires, to help them unlearn the negativity surrounding it, and to let go of the judgment that has shaped their feelings about being desirous.
Why Intimacy Feels So Awkward – And How to Survive It
In Episode 1, we also saw all the ways that intimacy can be full of fear and awkwardness – including the experience of watching others in intimacy.
Even though most of us crave closeness, vulnerability, and connection, actually stepping into that kind of openness can feel like walking a tightrope — shaky, uncertain, and deeply exposed. As the contributors each start to move into connection, we see their bravery and their stumbles.
Most of us weren’t raised in environments where emotional or physical intimacy was modeled in healthy, affirming ways. Instead, we may have learned to hide our feelings, downplay our needs, or armor up to avoid getting hurt. So when we finally try to let someone in, it can feel confusing or even scary.
Think about the last time you tried to share something tender, or let someone really see you. Did your stomach flutter, your words stumble, your body tense? That’s not failure. That’s the beautifully human awkwardness of intimacy. Often, the awkwardness shows up not because something is wrong with us, but because we’re out of practice at being fully present with ourselves and others.
The path through this awkwardness is embodiment. When we slow down and tune into what we’re feeling — when we notice our heartbeat, our breath, the places where we’re clenched or soft — we start to ground ourselves in the present moment. From there, intimacy becomes less about saying or doing the right thing, and more about being with ourselves and another person, as we are.
Intimacy isn’t a performance. It’s a practice of presence. And the more we inhabit our bodies — our longings, our discomfort, our pleasure — the less awkward intimacy becomes. It turns into something fluid, alive, and deeply real.
What If They Say No? Releasing the Fear of Rejection in Relationships
Another powerful block to desire we witnessed in Episode 1 was the fear of rejection. When someone begins to access and name their desires — especially if they’ve never done it before — it can feel like standing naked in front of someone emotionally. And, this is just what happens when they stand in front of each other and read their fantasies.
Fears around rejection can be many: What if the other person doesn’t want the same thing? What if they laugh, judge, or walk away? This fear often leads people to mute their desires or avoid sharing them altogether. But the truth is, desire isn’t something to be validated by another — it’s an expression of your truth.
When we learn to separate someone else’s reaction from our sense of worth, we gain the freedom to share openly. The fear might not disappear, but with practice and support, we can move through it. Learning that rejection isn’t a reflection of our value, but simply part of the vulnerable dance of intimacy.
Unblocking Desire: How to Begin
5 Steps to Start Reclaiming Your Desire Today
Now that we’ve explored the blocks to desire, how do we actually begin to embrace it?
- Deshamify What You Want: Recognize that desire, in its purest form, is not something to be ashamed of. It’s a natural, human experience. To deshamify means to let go of the societal or familial messages that have made you feel less than, wrong, or dirty for your desires. Start by identifying the sources of shame in your life. What messages have you received about desire, and how can you begin to challenge those beliefs?
- Reconnect to Your Body: Desire is a feeling, a sensation, and often the first step to unlocking it is to tune in to your body. Notice how your body reacts to different situations. How does your skin feel in the sunlight? How does your heart respond when you think about someone or something you deeply care about? Desire is often tied to the subtle messages of your body—it’s time to start listening.
- Make Space for Pleasure: Often, we’re so busy living life that we forget to make room for our own desires. We may feel guilty about wanting something for ourselves. But when you start making space to explore your desires—whether it’s in the form of a quiet moment for yourself, a conversation with someone, or through touch—you give your desire permission to exist without judgment.
- Embrace the Awkward: Intimacy and desire are inherently vulnerable—and that vulnerability often comes with awkwardness. When you begin expressing what you want, it might feel clumsy, uncertain, or even embarrassing. That’s okay. Awkwardness is a sign that you’re doing something new and brave. Instead of trying to avoid it, practice staying with the discomfort. Breathe, stay connected to your body, and remember that awkwardness isn’t a failure—it’s just part of learning how to be more fully present and authentic in your desires.
- Let Go of Fear of Rejection: One of the biggest blocks to desire is the fear of rejection or not being understood. It’s important to remember that your desires don’t need to be validated by anyone but you. The more you accept yourself and your desires, the easier it becomes to share them with others.
Celebrate Your Core Desire
At the heart of all this exploration lies a powerful truth: Your desire is valid. It’s beautiful. And it’s a part of you that deserves to be honored.
When we clear the shame, the awkwardness, and the misunderstanding around desire, we allow ourselves to tap into something incredibly powerful — our core desire. This is the desire that isn’t influenced by others’ opinions or societal norms; it’s the raw, authentic desire that lives within us, ready to guide us toward deeper connection and fulfillment.
So, take a moment to reflect: What does your core desire look like? What does it feel like? This isn’t a race — it’s a journey. Allow yourself the grace to explore, to question, and to discover what it truly means to embrace your own desire. When you do, you open up a world of possibility, growth, and deep, authentic connection to yourself and to others.
Want to explore what truly turns you on? Discover your Core Desires with our self-paced Guide to Turn-Ons virtual course!