By KBC Associate 
As a founder of the Somatica Institute of Sex and Relationship Coaching and a couples coach for many years, I have seen so many couples get caught up in a relationship vortex.
A relationship vortex happens when your and your partner’s deepest emotional wounds are triggered simultaneously. This leads to a cycle of habitual and protective behaviors that undermine your connection and intimacy.
Unfortunately, this is a very common relationship dynamic – but it’s nothing you can’t tackle together! It’s entirely possible to unwind the vortex and even reverse it, ending up in a place of deep trust and intimacy. Wanna learn how? Read on.
What is the Vortex Meaning in a Relationship?
When you get into a relationship vortex, conflicts keep coming up over and over again. You both might feel completely crazed because you are just repeating the same conversation – without ever finding healing, reconnection, or a resolution to the wounds.
My clients Gianna and Cesar are a perfect example of this dynamic. They are highly intelligent people who love and care for each other. It was very obvious they wanted their relationship to thrive. They also both really respected each other, and were good at communication. And yet they had gotten into this rut of having the same fight, over and over again.
When I explained to them that they were in a common situation called the relationship vortex, they were relieved to know they weren’t alone. And, while it can be very tricky to escape this rut, it was just helpful for them to know that it happens to other couples as well.
Here’s How You Get Drawn into the Relationship Vortex
Regardless of how good or challenging our lives have been, no one’s is perfect. That means each of us has particular wounds we’ve experienced that cause us to be sensitive and protective of ourselves. When something happens in the present moment that reminds us of an earlier wounding experience we had, all of our fears and protective mechanisms come up. This is called being “triggered”.
When one person is triggered by something the other person did, but the other person isn’t, it’s easier to empathize and find resolution. However, when both of you have your wounds lit up at the same time and you are in a “trauma zone,” it’s much more difficult to connect and understand each other’s pain. Each of you will be relying on habitual, protective behaviors that are familiar and seem safe, but are hurting your connection and intimacy.
Here’s a client example from my coaching practice: Caroline had a deep wound around abandonment. Her partner Joseph was highly criticized as a child. Every time Caroline tried to talk with Joseph about her needs in the relationship, he felt criticized and shut down. As soon as she saw him shutting down, she began to feel that old familiar abandonment feeling and started to panic, coming after Joseph even more. He finally got so frustrated with feeling criticized that he stormed out, leaving them both feeling hurt and alone.
After a few days of distance, they tentatively reunited, but none of their hurts were ever addressed. And neither partner learned anything about what they actually needed to stay present in their intimacy together.
How To Free Yourself From The Vortex
Caroline and Joseph are classic examples of how people can stay in their relationship vortex, often for many years. Breaking free requires a few conscious steps – but it’s entirely manageable. Here’s how:
Step 1: Learn to Stay Present
Staying present means noticing your feelings and your habitual responses as well as those of your partner without any judgement.
There are many experiential exercises that can help you with this, but the simplest one is breathing. When you breathe deeply into your body, all the way down to your pelvic floor, it can help you slow down some of the habitual, protective mechanisms.
By staying present, and watching these responses happen, you can start to see what is going on inside of you. In my coaching practice, I teach a number of different tools beyond breath for staying present – trigger mapping, finding neutral, and using your resilience basket.
Step 2: Identify Your Underlying Wounds
Figuring out your underlying wounds allows you to start sorting the information you receive from staying present.
For example, if you have abandonment issues, you might say to yourself, “No one will ever really want me or stay with me.” As a result, you have the urge to leave them before they leave you.
If you were frequently criticized as a child, you might be saying to yourself, “No one will ever accept me as I am.” You stop trying, get angry, and fight to prove that you deserve recognition instead of criticism.
These are just examples, but to escape the relationship vortex, it’s imperative for you to get to the bottom of what’s going on inside of you.
Step 3: Map the Vortex
Once you have a clearer picture of your situation and feelings, it will be easier for you to recognize how your and your partner’s wounds interact with each other. This sets the stage for mapping the vortex. We can do this by looking at the way the two of you are triggering each other.
For example, in my work with Gianna and Cesar, we found that Gianna’s parents did a lot of helicopter parenting so she needed a lot of freedom. Meanwhile, Cesar had felt really rejected by his peer group as a younger person, so he needed a lot of reassurance that he was loved.
When Gianna felt trapped, she would become very aloof in the relationship which in turn made Cesar very anxious. The more anxious he got, the more aloof she got – and that’s how they spun into their vortex.
Step 4: Have Empathetic Conversations
After mapping the vortex, it should be much easier to put yourself in each other’s shoes.
This can lead to more open, empathetic conversations – which will be very different from the usual conversations you’ve been having. They have the potential to address the deeper hurts and create new patterns based on trust and mutual understanding – ultimately rebuilding and strengthening your connection.
The Sweet Rewards of Transforming Conflict into Connection
In short, when you learn to stay present, uncover your deeper wounds and the ways you are stepping on them, it’s possible to end up with connected, loving, and productive conversations, even about the most difficult topics.
Through these dialogues and practicing experiential things like soothing touch or words, you can build new patterns and habits based on trust and mutual understanding.
Remember – the most successful relationships are not those that avoid conflict. It’s those that know how to continue to work as a team once conflict has begun, and come back into a loving connection as soon as possible.
As a relationship coach, I teach couples to work as a team once conflict has begun. And I always witness the same outcome: more harmony in the relationship, which in turn creates more time for the fun things in life – intimacy, fun, playfulness, sex, and love!
So what are you waiting for? Get to escaping that vortex! Here are a couple of tools for you to get started:
- Read Making Love Real – it contains many examples of relationship vortexes and explains in more depth how to get out of them
- If you are overwhelmed at the thought of having to tackle this alone, reaching out to a professional is a good idea. Here is a directory of couples coaches.