By KBC Associate 
As seasoned sex & relationship coaches and creators of the experiential Somatica Method, Danielle and I found that hands-on coaching is the most effective way to work with couples. We’ve had the honor to help improve the lives of many couples over time – but it always amazes us how much improvement and transformation happens when the lessons are experiential and hands-on.
Curious if hands-on couples coaching might be the path for you and your partner? Here’s why this type of relationship mediation is so successful.
Your Coach Can Observe Your Relationship in Real Time
Early in my coaching career, I met a colleague who was a licensed sex therapist. He had been working with clients for years before he took the Somatica Training.
I asked him why he wanted to become a coach instead of a therapist. He said, “When it comes to experiences, the only tool I have with my clients is to give them homework. When they return for their next session, I can only ask them how it went – but it probably takes me 6 months to understand dynamics that you would be able to see in one session of experiential coaching. Besides – clients rarely do their homework. And even when they do,” he added, “they are dreadful at self-reporting, especially when their partner is there listening.“
As he pointed out, hands-on, experiential coaching is extremely efficient because we can be in the room when our clients are having at least some kinds of erotic interaction.
You Get Feedback On Your Interactions
Our practice is always clothes-on, and we don’t allow our clients to have sex. But we can watch them kiss, touch each other’s bodies, share desires, and practice sexy talk. This also means we can help them improve their interactions in the moment. For instance, based on the non-verbal cues we are observing, we can see whether they have a genuinely good time or not.
My clients Dakota and Blair are a great example of this. When they first came into my office, they wanted to learn how to better seduce each other.
I had them start with some basic hand-caresses and then asked them to share a kiss. As I watched them, it was clear to me that Dakota was inserting her tongue way too far into Blair’s mouth. However, when the kiss was done and I asked Blair about it, he said it was fine. When I gently pointed out to Dakota that she might try not to put her tongue as deeply into Blair’s mouth, I could see instant relief on Blair’s face.
If they had done this as homework, I would have never witnessed Blair’s discomfort – and wouldn’t have been able to help them improve their seduction skills. Their kissing got so much better after only one session.
When we bring up the idea of hands-on coaching to couples, they usually simultaneously understand why it’s so important – and also get nervous. The most frequent question they ask is, “You want us to have sex in front of you?” – and we swiftly reassure them they won’t be taking off their clothes and always stay within their comfort level.
But as the previous example of Blair and Dakota illuminated, when touch is observed in the coaching room, a whole different aspect of a couple’s relating becomes evident.
I was once working with my clients Perry and Kylen, helping them explore a connecting breath. By going through the 3-step breath together and helping them feel the connections between each level – chest, belly, and pelvic floor – they found they shared a connection on a heart level, but nowhere else. Clearly, they loved each other a lot, but the sexual tension wasn’t there for them.
Being able to acknowledge this dynamic helped them kick off their journey to exploring different sexual interactions. They started negotiating a different flow in their erotic connection – but always rooted from their heart.
As coaches, when we see people interact at this level of intimacy, we can customize our coaching much more quickly – and our clients reap the rewards.
You Realize Verbal Communication Is Not The Key to a Better Sex Life
Another reason why hands-on coaching is so successful: couples are able to experience that it takes more than verbal communication to have a better sex life.
I worked with one couple – Sachio and Marlena – who had been fighting over sex for a long time. “We communicate our needs to each other all the time,” Sachio insisted in the first session. Marlena countered, “Indeed. I’ve told him a million times that he needs to be more passionate.” Already, I saw the argument beginning. Sachio pronounced, “I always feel passionate when we are having sex, so I don’t know what you want from me!”
I intervened to stop them from spinning out into the same old relationship vortex. “Marlena, what do you mean by being more passionate?” She responded, “You know … just desire me. Show me how much he wants me.”
“Ok, that’s a good start. Would you be willing to show Sachio what you mean? One way you can help him is to demonstrate exactly what you desire.” I had them stand up, face each other, and I asked her to show Sachio how she wanted him to initiate sex.
At first, she seemed annoyed that she had to show him what she wanted. She was also afraid that his response wouldn’t be real, or coming from him. I reminded her, “I think he really wants you. He just doesn’t know how to show you that in a way that will land with you.”
She walked up to him, look him deeply in his eyes, held his chin in her hand and started to kiss him passionately. Then she turned him around, wrapped her arms around him, biting his neck, and rubbing her hands all over his body, feeling his muscles, and grabbing his ass. When she was done, Sachio looked both delighted and shocked. “That’s what you want me to do to you?!? I would love to do that to you. I just never wanted to be disrespectful or go too fast.”
We spent the rest of the session helping Sachio learn how to bring the intensity of his desire to Marlena through touch, biting, and grabbing. I could tell it was the tip of the iceberg. They had so much more to learn together, now that they had moved beyond talking and were open to teaching each other in the moment.
The Rewards Are Always Hope and Intimacy
We love helping couples learn in the moment, ask for what they want, and demonstrate their desires. When we can watch them realize that YES, there is hope for their sexual relationship. And we adore seeing them connect on a deeper, more fulfilling and more intimate level.
And hands-on couples coaching is the key to unlocking all the potential that is there for them.
Ready to dive in and try some hands-on coaching? Head on over to this directory of Somatica Couples Coaches, or start your journey to a better, more intimate relationship with one of our online Somatica Classes.